THE TV SITTER

A few months before Alex was born some friends were in a bind and needed a last minute babysitter for their three month old and asked if I could watch him. I said sure, why not? But when I got there they told me that they didn’t want the baby watching any TV, which meant that I couldn’t watch any TV. I was a little bummed because watching a baby is kind of boring and when Arden was that young I used to keep myself company watching the previous night’s episodes of Conan O’Brien and CSI on the DVR. Anyway, I agreed to their barbaric terms and they left. I lasted about five minutes before I turned on the TV. Wasn’t like the baby was gonna squeal on me. Anyway, I quickly noticed that the baby was entranced by the television, so I turned the baby towards me. I managed to keep the baby’s attention for about a minute before he started craning his neck to see the screen again. I then turned the baby completely away from the TV, but he kept trying to get a look. So then I muted the TV and the baby finally gave up. But then I realized I couldn’t hear the TV, which meant I had no idea what was going on so I was forced to just turn the damn thing off. Babies…



I’ve always been an early riser. When I was about 4 or 5, before I could tell time, I used to wake up at the ass crack of dawn and listen for the water to start running through the pipes. It meant my father was taking a shower and that TV would be starting in about fifteen minutes. Yeah, that’s right, I remember a time before cable where TV didn’t run 24 hours a day. But that doesn’t make me old. It makes me 36. Anyway, I’d hop out of bed, run downstairs, and find a cup filled with Cheerios waiting for me. I’d then turn on the TV and impatiently stare at an on-screen test pattern until the Star-Spangled Banner began at exactly 6:00 AM. And then the cartoons would begin. I can’t think of a more appropriate song than our National Anthem to start the day of a generation hooked on TV, one that would later be dubbed the “American Slacker.”

People have been blaming TV for the world’s problems since its inception. Personally I blame CNN for informing the terrorists about all the holes in our national security. People also think my generation is stupid and complacent because we watched too much TV. But I think I’m doing just fine and I was raised on a steady diet of Hong Kong Phooey and MTV. That’s why I’ve decided to let my kids watch as much TV as they want. I’m kidding. Sort of…

Arden’s at an age where if I need to get some stuff done around the house or if the baby needs my undivided attention, I can flip on some Spongebob or throw in a DVD of Toy Story and she’ll veg out. And I’m definitely guilty of doing this a bit too often, but then the guilt gets the best of me and the TV turns off and I’m on the floor playing Candyland by Arden’s rules (she gets to move to any space on the board she likes.) But I honestly believe that Arden is as smart as she is because of the amount of TV she watches.

Everyone thinks their kid is the smartest. I don’t know if Arden is the smartest, but she’s certainly the fastest study I’ve ever seen. She had a full vocabulary and perfect diction by age two. And when she started preschool at two and a couple of months the teachers kept telling me they had never encountered a child like Arden before. Instead of just going with the flow or crying because she didn’t get what she wanted, Arden would put her hands on her hips and start arguing with the teachers. But the most impressive part was that she actually made valid points. And she still does to this day, just shy of her fourth birthday.



If people don’t want to let their kids watch TV, that’s their prerogative. There’s plenty of terrible stuff out there that will rot their little brains, like ABC’s Wipeout, which also just happens to be the greatest show on television, brain rotting and all. Wipeout aside, I think Arden is smarter and faster thanks to Elmo and Dora and the other educational shows geared towards young children. Arden was picking up words and concepts that as a parent you don’t even think to teach your kids. And how else would Arden know to tell me last night that instead of chicken nuggets for dinner again that she wanted to “change it up a little”? Okay, maybe she got that from Conan instead of Elmo. But I’m just saying.


Photo: Arden after I had just taken TV away from her.