FLIRT FACTOR

I’m short, I’m bald and I’m hairy, but when I’ve got a baby in my arms the hot chicks are all over me like I’m Brad Freakin’ Pitt. I’ll be at a Starbucks with the baby in one hand and my grande decaf soy latte in the other and three hot chicks will literally pop up out of nowhere and get the door for me. Meanwhile they’ll let the door slam shut on the mother of two who’s right behind me. Probably because women are expected to be able to get a door while wrangling two kids, whereas a guy, not so much. This happens everywhere I go. The park, the supermarket, the movies. They’ll stop me, touch my arm, and laugh at things I say that aren’t even funny. I could literally say, “My mother just died,” and they’d laugh. Okay, maybe they wouldn’t laugh, but I’d get waaaaay too much sympathy from a perfect stranger. I haven’t been hit on this much since I started wearing a wedding ring. Perhaps it’s the more unavailable a man is the more attractive he is? I’d love to think these women are thinking, “Wow, great genes, how can I get me some?” Not that I’d actually act upon it. But the reality is it’s about the baby. Plus these hot chicks are probably hit on all day long by an endless sea of creeps and a stay-at-home dad with a cute baby is a safe bet for some light flirtation that isn’t going anywhere. Usually…



Last weekend I was out at one of my favorite Mexican restaurants with Jen and the girls and this semi-attractive woman, who was probably pushing 50, kept commenting on how cute my girls were. As well as complementing Jen and I on how well we’ve raised them. I always find that to be an odd comment when people have observed me with the kids for all of 30 minutes and because Alex is only 6 months old so there’s only been so much “raising” going on there. Anyway, Alex was getting a little fussy towards the end of the meal so Jen got up with the girls and took them outside while I waited for the check. Then Cougar Town turns to me again and says, “Your girls are beautiful.” I said, “Thank you.” And then she said, “And the father’s not too shabby either” which was followed by a suggestive smile and wink that said, “How can I get me some?” I got out of there fast.


Besides that incident, now that I have two kids with me most of the time, the flirting has primarily been relegated to the moms I pass on my way in and out of preschool. One of them has affectionately dubbed me “Super Dad,” not because I’m doing anything super, but because I’m just a guy who’s actually staying home with his kids…and because she’s forgotten my name. As a result of these little flirtations I don’t find myself invited on many playdates. Probably because these women think, “Gosh, I just flirted with him, if I invite him over will he get the wrong idea?” What if I did get the wrong idea, what are we gonna do? Make out in front of the kids? And on the rare occasion I have been invited on a playdate, ironically I always end up feeling like I’ve just been on a cheap one night stand - we laugh, have a good conversation, share some mixed nuts and then they never call me again. And when I bump into them at school the next morning it’s all awkward, like we actually did something tawdry. If I had to guess what happened in those mysterious hours between the end of our playdate and the next morning I’d say the woman told her husband that I ate all his nuts. And he told her that he wouldn’t be sharing them anymore.