We’re less than a week away from the “Big Four” and this party we have planned for Arden’s birthday is getting out of control. But I’ll save my actual rant until after the big event because if I’m this riled up about it now, I can only imagine what I'll have for you the morning after. Anyway, in preparation for the festivities we hit Costco yesterday to look for some bulk party bargains. Big mistake.
Going to Costco on the weekend in Los Angeles is like entering a warzone. Usually I go during the week with the girls because it’s relatively empty, but with the birthday only a week away we had no choice. Normally I take the girls around noon because with all the free samples they're dishing out I don't need to make Arden a lunch. But on the weekends the people are like vultures. Grown men and women will jump over small children to get a free slice of Spam. It’s insane. But what’s more ridiculous is that I find myself joining the insanity, elbowing the elderly out of the way so I can get my kid a cube of processed cheese. And even more amazing to me is that I can’t get Arden to eat anything except chicken nuggets at home, but at Costco she’ll eat a piece of glazed salmon if it comes on a doily. Note to self: Buy lots of doilies next time I’m at Costco.
But the worst part of the weekend Costco experience is the old Mexican women. I don’t want to sound prejudiced or racist, but these women are obsessed with touching babies. Sure, we all like to grab a pudgy little thigh if it comes our way, but these old ladies who troll Costco will go out of their way to get a little baby action. I mean they will literally chase me across the store trying to touch my kids. Happens every time. Without fail.
Well yesterday one of these old ladies also happened to be dispensing some sample chunks of some kind of strawberry frozen smoothie concoction so we had no choice but to let her cop a feel. After she had her squeeze she turned to me and said my girls we’re “beautiful like little Jesus.” I took it as some kind of compliment, but also an excuse to get the hell out of there.
We did manage to score some items for the party, but my week ahead will be spent picking up the slack, like balloons, a helium tank, soda, chips, sandwiches, a cake…
Pictured: My beautiful little Jesuses at Costco.
It's true that they are obsessed with baby-touching - because they don't want to give the 'evil eye.' They believe in it 100% - if they see a baby and think "beautiful baby" they consider that a jealous thought and have to touch the baby to heal the jealous so that it doesn't infect the baby and give it 'evil eye.' Babies in our family (not my children) have gotten 'evil eye' according to my former MIL - they spike a fever and have to go to bed until the bruja (witch) comes to heal them. Which involves cracking an egg and putting it in a bowl under the bed, saying a bunch of prayers to cast out the devil. This happened to my former douchebag loser ex-husband and when they pulled the bowl containing the egg back out from under the bed, it looked as though it had been whipped with an egg beater. The family loves telling that story.
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