JEALOUSY

Early in my wife’s second pregnancy we made a mistake. We started telling our then 3-year-old daughter, Arden, that “Mommy is too tired to play with you tonight” or “Mommy can’t do that right now.” Granted Jen was having a tough pregnancy – her hormones were so low in the beginning that the ob/gyn said, “Don’t tell anyone you’re having a baby quite yet.” But when you’re 3-years-old the only thing you’re hearing is the voice inside your head saying, “Why did I ask for a baby for Christmas?”

It didn’t take us long to see the resentment growing in Arden so we quickly changed our tune to, “Daddy really wants to play with you tonight,” and “Daddy wants to take you to the movies.” Basically any time Jen couldn’t do something Arden got spoiled rotten. But no matter how many trips you take to Yogurt Land and no matter how many sugary breakfast cereals you put on top, the jealousy is eventually going to rear its ugly head.

For Arden the jealousy really started to show about two weeks after Alex was born. Arden started acting out in school. She would have massive meltdowns, she would talk back to her teachers, she would hit other preschoolers and there were one or two biting incidents. But when she was home she was a perfect angel. And when she was around the baby she glowed. She was genuinely excited to see her. Wanted to caress her and hold her.  Unfortunately Arden’s jealousy had caused her to get some kind of rash on her legs and arms so she wasn’t allowed to touch the baby for a while, which we could see frustrated her to no end.  But it was because she loved her new baby sister and it showed.

Arden’s jealousy lasted for several months, developing into a bit of an anger problem.  I had to teach her to count to ten whenever she started to get mad.  It worked to some extent, but she would still lash out at school from time to time. But eventually her jealousy phase passed (the anger we’re still working on)…until last week.

Our late bloomer Alex is finally starting to blossom, just days shy of turning 17 months.  You tell her it’s time to go and she’ll grab her shoes and try and put them on (and by “try” I mean she’ll bang them against her shins) or when I tell her it’s time for a bath she’ll hightail it to the bathroom and try and climb in (and by “try” I mean she’ll lean so far over the edge of the tub she’d fall in ass-over-teakettle if I didn’t catch her) and she’s finally trying to sound out some words (and by “try” I mean we’re making ourselves believe that “ba” means book.)  In other words, Alex is starting to get a lot of praise and a bit more of our attention and Arden is jealous again. Only this time it’s ten times worse than before….

This past weekend any toy that Alex picked up, Arden would immediately snatch out of her hands and say, “I was going to play with that.” It could be a teething ring and she’d want it. Arden could be talking about having ice cream for dessert all day, but if Alex had a Popsicle for dessert, Arden now wanted a Popsicle for dessert. On Sunday I decided to give the girls an afternoon bath and I put one of Arden’s old Spongebob shirts on Alex to use as basically a bib for dinner, but suddenly Arden, who had abandoned all things Spongebob long ago, wanted to wear that specific shirt and she was determined to get it. She tried to rip it off of Alex. When I stopped her she had a meltdown until Jen remembered she had an old Spongebob shirt of her own that Arden could wear. Arden was excited…for about a minute until she remembered Alex was wearing her shirt and she tried to yank it off Alex again. That night only Alex got a Popsicle.

The jealousy came in waves throughout the day, but the crest of that wave had to be Jen herself. If Alex was sitting on Jen’s lap Arden had to muscle her way in. She’d even go so far as to “accidentally” shove Alex off of Jen’s lap. If Jen was sitting on the recliner with Alex, Arden would climb right up there with them. If Jen was lying on the floor with Alex, Arden would roll Alex away and lie down next to Jen. It was like some kind of primal sibling rivalry. Arden could not allow Alex to have any physical contact with her mother. And even though I know Arden’s behavior is just another phase, the jealousy is not. We all know it’s something that many of us carry throughout our lives. But what really scares me is that Alex seems to be taking after her big sister. Last night Alex saw Arden sitting on Jen’s lap and started screaming like a freakin’ banshee. She rushed over to Arden and started pushing her and hitting her and trying to get her off her mother. And all Arden could do is laugh. And all I could do is wonder about the fun-filled years to come.


Originally posted on ParentsAsk on 4/7/10