So last week on Parents Ask there was a short video called “Time Outs: More Harm Than Good?” where a panel of experts gave their various takes on the whole Time Out issue. Actually until I saw this video I didn’t even know Time Outs were an issue, at least I didn’t think they were an issue for anyone other than myself. My issue being that I couldn’t get the damn things to work with my four-year-old. Coincidentally, it was just last week when I finally discovered exactly why they weren’t working.
My wife and I probably started issuing Time Outs when our daughter, Arden, was about two. If she started to get unruly or had a temper tantrum we would take her into her room, put her in the corner (and by “put” I mean I would pick her up, kicking and screaming) and tell her she had to stay there for five minutes until she calmed down. However, in Arden’s case, she would just start screaming louder and eventually start to throw things around the room. I almost lost an eye to a Spongebob Pez dispenser. I would spend more time trying to get her to calm down during the actual Time Out then if I didn’t give her one at all. So Time Outs became a rarely used, last-ditch attempt to get Arden to calm down, if she was acting up or having a meltdown. But each time it always ended up with me dodging some kind of potentially lethal toy or a Sandra Boynton board book.
We gave up on the “public” Time Outs very early on. When Arden was about two-and-a-half we were out to brunch with some friends and she had a fit because we forgot to pack her a juice box and she refused to drink any kind of alternative liquid that didn’t come in a cardboard container. After several attempts and bribes (of the ice cream for breakfast variety) I was forced to give her a Time Out at the back of the restaurant. Let’s just say we didn’t end up going to the Aquarium of the Pacific as originally planned. Actually, when Arden finally calmed down in the car ride home it became the first time she gave us the silent treatment. Which was actually quite nice after the morning we had. :)
So last week I was driving Arden home from preschool and I asked her about her day, as I always do, and she dropped her head down and grumbled, “I had to sit down after lunch.” I said, “Why?” She replied, “I took a toy away from James, but he took it away from me first. But we both had to sit down.” I asked her about this strange thing called a “sit down.” She explained that she had to sit in a chair quietly for a few minutes, away from the other kids. I said, “And you did it?” She said, “Of course.” I said incredulously, “Have you had to ‘sit down’ before?” She hung her head in shame again and said, “Yeah.” I blurted out, “That’s a Time Out. That’s the same exact thing as a Time Out!” Arden looked up and said, “Really?” I said, “Yes, you’re supposed to sit there and be quiet, not scream louder.” Arden said, “Oh, good to know.” I’m still shaking my head a week later over our little communication breakdown. But next time she acts up I’m definitely trying a “sit down” instead of a Time Out.
Originally posted on Parents Ask on 1/27/10
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