WHY MEN CAN'T MULTITASK

I write a blog called “I Peed On My Kid!” where I talk about my misadventures as a stay-at-home dad. The title comes from this time when I was trying to entertain the baby and go to the bathroom at the same time. Let’s just say things didn’t turn out exactly how either of us had planned. But it was then that I realized men couldn’t multitask. 

I recently got back in touch with my high school guidance counselor, thanks to the magic of Facebook, and she had an interesting theory on why men are basically multitasking idiots. She suggested that it goes back to the Stone Age, where the men were in charge of hunting for food and the women were in charge of cleaning it, cooking it and serving it, in addition to doing EVERYTHING else around camp, including raising the children. Men had one task. Women had many. So be it nature or nurture, men today still can’t multitask.

Don’t get me wrong. I think men can multitask when it comes to matters of business (though I’m still guessing not as good as women). I can absolutely multitask when it comes to my writing. I’ve been known to work on two or three projects at the same time. But when it comes to watching my kids, I can’t do anything else. And after talking to several of my stay-at-home and weekend brethren, I’m starting to think there may be some credence to my high school guidance counselor’s theory.

Every dad I’ve ever spoken to is exactly like me. They can’t do anything but play with their kids when it’s their turn to watch them, unless it’s watching TV at the same time. Of course being a stay-at-home dad requires more than just playing Polly Pockets and watching Yo Gabba Gabba on an infinite loop. There’s laundry to be done. Dishes to be washed. Floors to be swept. The list goes on. And on. And on. I actually have an actual list my wife gives me, but it doesn’t help. Without fail, if I’m watching my kids and I try and do anything else, I will mess something up. Here’s a few examples…

Laundry: Seems simple enough, but when I’m watching the girls I will undoubtedly ruin one of my wife’s favorite items. I’ll put her stockings in the dryer or I’ll wash something in hot that should’ve been in cold. And even if I do that part right I’ll hang up her jeans to dry with one of the legs still rolled up which, according to my wife, renders them as useless as me.

Grocery Shopping: Even without the kids I’m hopeless when it comes to the “full-on” shopping experience. But hand me a baby and a shopping list with only three items and I’m still bound to screw at least one thing up – I’ll get the wrong brand of cheese (even though my wife has been buying the same brand for over fifteen years) or I’ll grab flat leaf parsley instead of cilantro. What do you mean parsley doesn’t taste good on a taco?

Bath: This is the closest I get to multitasking when it comes to watching the girls because when you’re trying to wash two kids at the same time you’re also technically watching them. However, once I pull the baby out of the tub and get her into her sleeper it’s a race to see if I can get Arden out of the tub and dried off before the baby wanders back in and gets soaked from trying to climb back into the tub. I either get completely flustered or, hat in hand, I bring the baby in the kitchen for my wife to watch while she finishes the dishes and of course she has no problem doing both.

Cleaning the house: This one I actually put some conscious effort into. I always try and have the house neat for my wife when she walks in the door, save for a few Wonder Pets toys that have “somehow” sneaked out of the toy box. However, the bigger tasks like cleaning the bathrooms and washing the floors, I’m absolutely useless. Again, I try. But “try” isn’t good enough. I’ll skip the tub because the baby has finished her Cheez-Its and is getting unruly in her swing. Or I’ll just plain forget to Swiffer the bathroom floor in my haste. Haste is probably the key here because even though I’m trying, everything looks half-assed so my wife will end up re-doing the bathrooms on the weekend so it can be done “right.” And to add insult-to-trying-injury she often manages to do it with the kids in tow.

It could be argued (at least by me) that even if I didn’t have kids I’d still mess up the cleaning and the laundry and the shopping because in essence men are still fighting their way out of the Stone Age. We still only know how to hunt. Regardless, even though I can’t multitask when I watch my kids, it’s because one hundred percent of my attention is on my kids (okay, maybe 95% on my kids and 5% on my iPod Touch) and I think that’s a pretty damn good excuse for my lack of multitasking ability. How ‘bout you?

Originally posted on Parents Ask on 2/3/2010