TOP 5 (WORST THINGS) ARDEN CAN SAY TO ME

Watch the above video first and then read my reasons below...

5. “Daddy, Will You Play With Me?”

I know what you’re saying, “That's one of the worst things your daughter can say to you?” Yes, for two reasons: First, if I say “no” then I feel like a jerk. Second, if I say “yes” I won’t be playing with Arden. I’ll be playing for her. When she asks me to color with her she means she wants me to draw a picture for her and I have zero artistic ability in that area. If she wants to get out the Play Doh, I have to roll out the dough, use the contraptions and press down the cookie cutters under her cruel dictatorship. And don’t get me started on her made-up rules for board games.

4. “Daddy, Would You Get Off The Computer?”

Obviously working out of the house I have to take some calls during the day and shoot off the occasional email, but the computer can also be a great escape for me, especially now that Arden’s older and enjoys playing by herself. However, when I find myself on Facebook and Arden comes into my office and says, “Daddy, would you get off the computer?” my heart just sinks because it’s then that I realize that maybe her enjoyment is really just in my head and that I may not be paying enough attention to her. The good news is, once I hear this, I’m usually computer-free when watching the kids for a long while. Now my iPod Touch, that’s another story.

3. “Daddy, Can I Use Your Computer?”

Letting a child play with your computer when your computer itself is your place of business, is not a good idea. In the beginning it was fine, we used to watch a lot of YouTube videos together, of shows I used to watch as a kid like Barbapapa. But then she started wanting to watch the same five-minute clips over and over again which got extremely annoying. Probably as annoying as it was for Arden when I was on the computer. But as she got older and learned to play games on the computer things got ugly. She would a) hog my computer and b) lose files. I’d leave her alone for literally a minute and things would be missing from my desktop and the printer would be shooting out full color pictures of Dora the Explorer and Swiper the Fox. This is part of the reason I bought a second computer. So she could mess around with it and not destroy my hard work. Though I have to admit; Arden’s got some mad mouse skills.

2. “I Got To Go Pee.”

Without fail Arden makes this statement every time we visit a restaurant and you know how frequently we visit restaurants. It usually happens two or three minutes after our food arrives. And I hate taking Arden to the men’s room because they’re just plain disgusting. I myself try to avoid public restrooms as much as possible. But hovering a child over a men’s toilet and trying to prevent them from touching the bowl is probably my least favorite part of parenting. And to think I used to wish she would be done with diapers.

1. “I’m Done Pooping.”

Like most people, Arden has to take a dump around the same time every day, however in Arden’s case it’s always, always during dinner. And Arden has this thing about being completely naked when she takes a crap. She says she doesn’t want to get her clothes dirty. But the truly annoying part is that I’ll be enjoying a nice dinner, something I usually slaved over for a couple of hours, only to be interrupted by, “I’m done pooping.” Now, I have stop eating, get up and walk into the bathroom where I’m greeted by Arden’s smiling anus. Every night I find her bent over, with her dirty ass pointing in my direction. I’ve tried everything to get the kid to wipe herself, but to avail. Anyway, after I clean her up I have to go back to the table and finish my dinner. And for some strange reason, it never quite tastes the same.