WINTER BREAK: HIGHLIGHTS…AND LOWLIGHTS (PART I)

Believe it or not, I did it. I successfully planned and executed some kind of “big” activity with the girls every weekday during winter break. And by “big” I don’t necessarily mean some extravagant Disneyland excursion or a trip to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. I mean something that would just take up a big chunk of the day and keep me from going insane. Unfortunately, the other half of my plan, to have people join us, didn’t quite work out as well.

After the unexpected turn out for my "Bowling Event" I couldn't find a single person to hang out with me and the girls. I was so desperate to have someone help me pass the time that I even asked my friends who didn't have kids, “I bet it’s been a long time since you’ve been to Chuck E. Cheese…They have the Star Wars Video Game now…It’s only a quarter…I’ll pay for your games…and your meal…Fine, go see Avatar instead.” As a result I spent the next two weeks with just the girls. Was it hell? At times. Was it fun? At times. Below is a list of highlights and lowlights from my adventures in winter break land.

WEEK ONE:

Monday: Pinz Bowling Center

Cost: $15 or $24 (depending on my math skills)
Description: “When you have time to spare.”
Highlights/Lowlights: See the previous blog entry for the skinny on this one.


Tuesday: Travel Town at Griffith Park

Cost: $11
Description: “Preserving and celebrating the rich railroad heritage of Los Angeles.” Who knew? The only things I saw that you can do there is take the world's lamest five-minute train ride (that kids miraculously seem to love) and trot on some ponies. We did both.
Highlight: Watching the horse “trainer” try and get Arden’s horse to slow down while she was saying, “Giddy up” and making it go faster.
Lowlight: When Arden refused to get off the train after I told her we couldn’t ride it a second time, which turned into a full-blown meltdown. And because I was carrying Alex there was no way I could pick up Arden too and carry her back to the car kicking and screaming so I had to try and talk her down and get her off the tracks while the next group of passengers watched and waited for my “reasoning” skills to kick in.


Wednesday: Chuck E Cheese

Cost: $16 ($5 in tokens and the rest for some cardboard pizza.)
Description: “Where a kid can be a kid.” Or where parents and nannies let their kids run wild thinking that just because there's an employee stamping hands at the door that means their kid is being supervised. They are not.
Highlight: When I told Arden it was time to go she actually said, “Okay.”
Lowlight: Unlike her fearless sister, I discovered Alex doesn’t like rides and I also discovered that Arden is no longer fearless when it comes to heights, which I learned when she got to the top of the indoor jungle gym and I had to help her down while holding the baby under my arm like a football.

Thursday: California Science Center

Cost: $5 Donation and a $3 Motion Odyssey Ride
Description: “The west coast’s largest hands-on science center.” I have to admit it’s a pretty awesome place.
Highlight: With it being New Year’s Eve Day the place was an absolute ghost town. We had the whole museum to ourselves and we had the entire staff in the discovery room catering to our every whim - Arden had her own personal craft teacher while I got to stretch out in a padded toddler area and see Alex stand on her own for the first time.
Lowlight: We walked over to the Air & Space Museum first only discover the elevator inside was broken and all the cool exhibits were upstairs. Up a lot of stairs. Steep stairs. And up a lot of steep stairs we went, with the baby in my arms where she stayed for the duration which was about 45 minutes or when my arms were officially declared dead.


Friday: Christmas Day
Cost: Too much and worth every penny.


Up Next: Week Two!

WINTER BREAK: DAY ONE

I had been dreading this day for weeks. Arden would be off from school for two full weeks and the new part-time nanny was heading off to Ohio to visit her family for the entire time. It’s not like I haven’t watched both girls before. Hell, I do it all the time, but with Arden in school five days a week since July and with someone watching Alex two days a week, I had kinda gotten spoiled.

I had made the conscious decision that I was going to do some “big” activity with the girls every day. I didn’t care if it was something I hated doing like going to the park or the beach. I just knew I would need to get us all out of the house, in order to keep my sanity and to keep the girls from going all “Lord of the Flies” in our living room.

I knew it would be extremely difficult to wrangle both girls during some of these excursions, so I decided the least painful way of attacking my temporary return to full-time stay-at-home dadhood was to not do it alone. If I had other people with me it would help pass the time and allow me to hand off Alex for a minute or two so I could play with Arden a little and so I could go to the bathroom like a normal human being. My ingenious plan meant I had to be the alpha parent and actually organize these activities, something I neither like doing nor am I very good at. But I was determined to make this work so I emailed all the parents in Arden’s preschool class and told them about my plan. Then I waited for the replies to come rolling in.

Crickets. The only responses I got for Day One’s activity, “Bowling with Four Year Olds,” was from my friend Sam who said she would be bringing her two boys. The other "yes" reply came from the only parent in the school I don’t like. Fortunately he bailed the morning of. Regardless of the lack of replies I still had one wingman, or rather wingwoman, with me for our bowling adventure.

I was excited. I had taken Arden bowling once before at a place appropriately named Pinz in Studio City. The place puts rails in the gutters so the little kids would always score and so the grown-ups could play like rock stars. And with Sam there, I just might get the chance to strut my stuff. Of course the day didn’t turn out exactly as I had planned.

My day technically started at 2:46 AM when Arden woke up from a “bad dream” about “shopping at Target at night” and restarted at 5:43 AM when Alex decided the day had officially begun. Normally if Alex gets up early we sneak down to my office with some Cheerios and she watches some Yo Gabba Gabba while I try and do absolutely nothing until 7:00 AM rolls around. But of course Arden decided this would be the day she got up early. So we started Arden’s first day off from school at 6:00 AM with Arden not wanting anything I was serving for breakfast and Alex deciding she needed a nap at 7:03 AM. And when I say she “needed a nap” I mean that’s when she started getting cranky. And of course with Arden being home from school, there was no way in hell Alex was gonna take a nap.

The morning was long, but uneventful, though I did charge Arden with “watching” her little sister for the first time while I took one of my legendary 30-second showers. But I spent 29-seconds of my shower thinking of every possible permutation of what could go wrong in a 30-second time span which meant I needed another shower as soon as I got out of the shower.

So the bowling alley. All I can say is “chaos.” Much of it internal. We arrived at 11:00 AM to find another mom, who didn’t respond to my email, waiting for us with her two kids. Then Sam arrived with her two kids and as we were all trying on our bowling shoes another parent unexpectedly arrived with their two kids. To lessen the disorganization I decided to just pay for everyone and let them pay me back when we got to our lanes. I should’ve known better than to try and do division while wrangling a bunch of kids (I think I ended up paying for Arden twice.) Anyway, as we started bowling another kid showed up with his uncle, but the games were locked into the computer system so I offered to give up my spot for the little kid. That actually worked out well because Alex was getting fussy and wanted to be held…the whole two hours we were there.

None of the kids had bowled before so I had to show them what to do while holding Alex in one arm. And no one seemed to know who’s turn it was even though the computer screen kept track of it for everyone. Around noon everyone was getting hungry and it fell on Alex and me to order some pizzas. It only took me a sweaty 45 minutes to figure out how to order a pizza, but eventually we managed it. Of course we ordered too little so I went hungry.

Meanwhile, after three frames Arden and another little boy were done with bowling because they had discovered those stupid toy vending machines where you pay a quarter for a mini Tupperware container filled with a sticker or a chipped super ball. Now I’m pretty sure Arden’s slightly above average in intelligence, but the kid she was playing with was definitely not MENSA bound. I gave them both two quarters to put in the machine, but then the boy came back to me empty handed and said, “Coin, coin.” I said, “What happened to the ones I gave you?” Apparently it was a rhetorical question. Meanwhile Arden handed me her prizes which included a plastic ring and a tattoo that said, "I love girls." The boy saw the ring and finally decided to speak, “Is that a coin?” I said, “No, that’s a ring.” A few minutes later I pulled my keys out of my pocket and the boy ran over to me again and said, “Is that a coin?” I said, “No, these are keys…and I’m using them to get away from you.” Okay, I didn’t really say the second part, but I wanted to.

On the ride home Alex started to drift off to sleep. I’d be damned if I was gonna let her have a catnap on the way home that would replace the real deal in her crib so I was forced to lower the back window and let the cold air slap her in the face, but this kid was tired and no amount of wind was gonna keep her up. Of course when the wind ultimately stopped and we pulled into the garage she was wide awake and would be until she went to bed that night. Part of the reason was because Arden refused to have “quiet time” (instead of fighting with her over naps these days we now let her play quietly in her room by herself for an hour) so I can get some "me" time? Hells no. So I can clean up after her before Mommy gets home.

The plan was for Jen to make one of her favorite meals that night, but she got caught in a meeting that was destined to run late and suggested I make the Chicken & Dumplings. Now I cook all the time. And I’m not half bad. I mean I can follow a recipe. However I had never attempted this particular dish which was in a Betty Crocker cookbook that had a copyright date of 1950. I must’ve read that damn recipe 16 times trying to figure out what the hell it was saying. It didn’t help that Arden was having a meltdown over which Disney Princess movie to watch and Alex was screaming in my ear the whole time. I had to text Jen twice during her meeting to see if I was understanding the recipe right. Apparently I wasn’t and I screwed up the dish. Beyond repair. Right in front of Jen as she walked in the door, tired and pissed off from her meeting. That night she ate a Lean Cuisine and I had a bowl of Cheerios. I don’t think there was much talking during "dinner."

So it also happened to be one of Jen’s workout nights, which meant I put Arden to bed (which takes about forty-five minutes) and she puts Alex to bed (which takes about five minutes.) But with Alex being overtired from the day she refused to take the bottle from Jen. And since I have the magic touch I got to put both kids to bed that night…only to have them both wake up on Day Two of Winter Break with runny noses.

In the photo: an actual shot from our bowling madness

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

Arden's off from school for two-plus weeks and the nanny's on vacation so it's been a little tough to get to the computer as of late, as I'm sure you can imagine. But things should return to normal very soon. In the meantime...

QUOTABLE ARDEN

So we're driving in the car the other day and Arden asks me why she isn't able to put a ponytail in her hair herself. I said, "A. It's not easy and B. You don't have the skills yet." Arden replied with a miffed look, "What does A and B have to do with anything?"

Two nights ago Arden climbed into our bed in the middle of the night. When I asked her why in the morning she replied, "I had a bad dream." I asked what it was about and she said, "Going to Target at night." Gave me shivers too.

They're building some new condos near our house that we pass on the way to school every morning. Well the other day Arden noticed that they were cutting down this magnificent tree in front of it. She asked, "Why are they cutting down that tree?" I said, "I guess so they can look at the Hollywood Sign." Arden replied, "Why wouldn't they want to look at the beautiful tree?"

The other day I asked Arden what she's been doing in art class and she said, "Pointillism."

DEFENDING THE DISNEY PRINCESSES

When it comes to my approach to parenting it really boils down to two categories: “things the pediatrician suggests” and “my gut.” I chose my kids’ doctor because I trust her and if she says, “Jump,” I pretty much say, “How high?” Though when she suggested Arden see a dietitian because she was getting a little portly, I didn’t think I needed an outside source to confirm that I let her eat too much junk food. But when it comes to non-doctor-related issues, I just do what I think is right. But it wasn’t until I started writing this blog that I found out not only do other people think differently than me, but some of them feel so strongly about their beliefs that they’d stone me for thinking otherwise. And I’m not talking about the big issues (though none of the issues seem big to me), but people get up in arms about whether or not they should let their kids have a juice box or not.

One would think that after my Ferber Method Fiasco, I would try and steer clear of any polarizing topics here, however last week, an old friend posted a picture on his Facebook page of a seemingly innocuous deconstruction of the Disney Princesses throughout time (see above). With my tomboyish daughter recently discovering the magic of Disney and the aforementioned princesses, I made a comment on my friend’s Facebook page about how I thought the breakdown was funny, but that it was also an oversimplification.

I thought that would be the end of the discussion. Boy was I wrong. This began a somewhat heated debate on feminism and how the Disney Princesses are detrimental to the social growth of young girls today. I mentioned that being a father to a little girl, there’s something magical in watching my daughter light up when she watches these movies of my youth. This person went on to “admit” that she couldn’t “understand what it's like to share Disney sex-princess gender-role-brainwashing” with her kids. And that she found it “horrifying” and saw “little that's defensible about it.” She went on to say that, “it is so incredibly harmful for girls to be socialized into gender roles where their only purpose is to be sex-princesses for the men.”

This got my blood boiling. I now felt like I was being personally attacked for my parenting choice to let my children watch Disney movies. I let Arden watch Spongebob and I’m not worried that she’s going to grow up thinking there’s a talking sponge that lives in a pineapple under the sea. But I was quick to point out that Belle, from Beauty and the Beast (Arden’s new favorite movie that I had recently watched 437 times), did not save the prince with her sexuality. She saved him with true love’s kiss. And that Beauty was in fact one of Disney’s more sophisticated love stories. We actually see the characters grow and fall in love over time. And that the story’s central message is actually “don’t judge a book by its cover.” But this person wouldn’t hear it. She just said Belle was the only Disney princess caught reading a book and she didn’t use her smarts to save the day. I disagreed. I actually thought her decisions throughout were intelligent and her “enslavement” was her choice. A sacrifice for her father. What man would do something as courageous as that? None that I know. But again, that wasn’t what the movie was about.

Look, I’ll be the first to admit that the older Disney princess films like Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella have an obvious sexist slant to them, but they were produced during a different era, an era where women were sadly not considered equals. Does that make sexism right or okay? Of course not. But couldn’t it be argued that because women were relegated to this inferior role in society that these were really stories of hope, of dreams of a better life? Are they much different than the stories of Horatio Alger in that sense? As a guy maybe I don’t fully “get” how some women could be affected by these stories. But the stories themselves have nothing to do with the “Disney Machine” as this person referred to it. Uncle Walt only adapted these stories for the silver screen; they were around long before Steam Boat Willy was a twinkle in his eye. Either way, I think we should be able to enjoy these movies for their beauty, art and craftsmanship. Like I said before, there’s something magical watching these movies with my daughter. Movies that stirred my own imagination as a kid. Besides, when Arden plays princess, she’s never waiting for her Prince Charming and if she is it’s to boss him around.


My parents somehow missed the free-loving sixties, even though they were 25 years old when the decade ended, and I grew up in a home where my father worked twelve hours a day and my mother cooked, cleaned and looked after us kids. And even though my father didn’t know how to make toast, at no point during my youth did I ever feel that my parents weren’t equals and at no time did I ever feel that women weren’t capable of everything men could do. But that’s because my parents raised us with those beliefs so when we went out to see Snow White “saved” by a Prince’s kiss, I didn’t go home thinking that my role was to sweep some poor girl off her feet and take care of her. And my sister didn’t sit around waiting for some guy to come along and whisk her away to a better life. Well maybe she did, but that’s a different story all together. (I'm kidding, Marge!)

I don’t pretend to live in a world where sexism doesn’t still exist, but most of my generation grew up watching these movies and we turned out all right and while women may still be fighting for some respect I think we’ve come a long way. But in the end I think it comes down to if we raise our kids right then there shouldn’t be any cause for concern if we expose them to the older Disney classics or a talking sea sponge. Either way, I’m looking forward to this coming summer when Arden turns five and I get a chance to sit down and watch one of my favorite princess movies with her. Star Wars. May the force be with us.


In The Photo: My Little Princess

LEGO 9-1-1

Legos were a big part of my childhood. I spent countless hours creating blocky new worlds. I have such a fond nostalgia for those cute little rectangles that my keys now dangle from a Lego Darth Vader keychain. So a couple of years ago when I discovered that they made jumbo Legos "For Kids 1 and Up" I quickly snapped up a big tub of interlocking goodness for Arden. And now that Alex has just turned one, the three of us have been playing with them together. However, Arden's now graduated to the miniature Legos of my youth. The 4-year-old sets may be small and contained, but the pieces are still tiny and if you're trying to create the scenes on the box, you really need to be a little older than four to construct them. More like 37. So where Arden used to build these incredible fortresses with her chunky Legos, I'm now forced to build everything for her. And we know how much I like playing for my kids instead of with them.

On Saturday afternoon I built two small Lego girls and a Lego horse for Arden and she asked if we could take them out to dinner with us. I told her that the Olive Garden had a "No Lego" policy. She said I was being silly so I said I didn't want her losing the little pieces. She responded in her typical matter-of-fact tone, "Just put them in a ziplock bag." Okay, she won that battle, but I was destined to win the upcoming Lego War, which of course meant I would also lose...

After some "endless salad" and "world famous" breadsticks we headed off to Trader Joe's to do some early Thanksgiving grocery shopping. On the ride over Arden asked if she could put the window down because she was hot. I knew it was some kind of ploy, but I went along with it anyway. So Trader Joe's was on the horizon and everything seemed fine until I heard this blood-curdling scream come from the back seat. I whipped my head around to see Arden in tears, "The Lego girl blew out the window!" I said, "It blew out the window?" "Yes!" "Were you holding it out the window?" Arden suddenly got quiet, "Yes." But then she blurted out, "You have to save her, she's gonna get runned over."

We pulled into the Trader Joe's parking lot and I said to Jen, "I'll take the baby up the street in the stroller and see if I can see anything." But with it already being dark outside I knew there wasn't a chance in hell I'd find anything. And even if I did, there was no way Lego Girl would be anywhere near in tact. But off Alex and I went while Jen and Arden toured the mart.


I started walking down the darkened sidewalks of Silverlake, passing where I heard "the scream" and I couldn't see anything. I couldn't even see the sidewalk itself it was so dark so I turned around and headed back towards Trader Joe's, but then a car started down the road and I got a glimpse of a tiny yellow rectangular pair of eyes staring up at me from the middle of the street. I quickly locked the wheels on the stroller and darted out into the road and picked them up. As I was running back to the sidewalk I saw another car coming towards me, lighting up the road to reveal another goddamned piece. But I was forced to run back to the sidewalk and wait for the car to pass. When it did I ran back out into the road, scooped it up and saw yet another piece further down the road. Alex laughed from the sidewalk as she saw me running back and forth into the road, collecting little colored bricks, one at a time.

About a half-hour later I returned to the car just as Jen and Arden were approaching with the groceries. Arden saw me and didn't say anything. I think Jen prepped her for the inevitable loss of her little square friend, but then I produced three-quarters of the Lego Girl. Before Arden could respond I added, "We can fill in the rest with some extra pieces at home." I expected Arden to give me some guff, but she just wrapped her arms around me and said, "Thanks, Daddy." Another successful day at the office.

REALITY BITES

One of my favorite quotes of all time is “Between the idea and the reality…falls the shadow.” I like the author, the great American poet T.S. Eliot, so much that Alex’s middle name is Eliot. I like this particular quote because it’s apropos to so many aspects of life and one of them crept up on me this past weekend.

The in-laws were in town for Alex’s first birthday and we decided to hit the Natural History Museum because they were featuring a new “Dino Lab” and one of Arden’s many not-quite traditional female passions is dinosaurs. First off, the Dino Lab is probably one of the lamest exhibits I’ve ever seen. Especially if you’re four years old. It’s just a window into a “lab” where you get to see a real live paleontologist using a microscope and a toothbrush to remove a miniscule amount of dirt from the bone of what looks like a prehistoric pigeon.

Because dinosaurs were in the air at the museum they also had a dinosaur puppet show at the museum. And even though it was only ten minutes long, it was probably one of the best exhibits I had ever seen. A puppeteer inside a lifelike and life-size triceratops emerged from behind our host and a hush came over the crowd and not just from the kids. If I didn’t know there was a person inside I would’ve thought I was just transported into a Steven Spielberg movie.

While the triceratops approached the girls Arden turned to me and said, “That’s not a real dinosaur, is it, Daddy?” She knew that dinosaurs no longer existed, but there was still a little gleam of hope in her eyes. Hope that maybe this really was the last real dinosaur in the world. And it broke my heart to say to her, “No, sweetie, it’s just a big puppet.” She enjoyed the rest of the show. But not quite as much as if she thought it was real.

Arden’s asked me these kinds of questions before. Most recently, during Halloween, she asked if ghosts were real and witches and goblins. Each time I had to tell her “no.” Part of me wants to say “yes” and let her enjoy the fantasy of it all. She’s got a great imagination and I hate seeing it dashed by reality. And there are only so many years in your life where you can play with your dolls and toy dinosaurs and pretend you’re really walking among them. I don’t want to stifle that, but at the same time I don’t want her believing something that isn’t true. I know where you think this is heading. Christmas. But good news for Arden, I still believe in Santa so I won’t have to cast my shadow on her ideas or her reality this time.