So I just lost a friend last week. No, no one died. I was “unfriended” by someone on Facebook. When I asked their significant other why, he told me that this person saw my status update about Ferberizing the baby and felt that this socially acceptable form of sleep training – a technique my daughter’s pediatrician recommended - was cruel and that she no longer wanted to associate with someone like me. At first I was just in shock. I couldn’t believe this person that I respected, someone who stands up for equality and human rights, someone who doesn’t just talk-the-talk, but rather walks-the-walk when it comes to making a difference, someone who fights to stop people from judging others, would end up judging me based on two witty Facebook comments. Then I got mad.
This person’s actions are essentially saying I’m a bad parent and I pride myself on being the best possible dad I can be. I may get frustrated, I may mess up from time-to-time, but I love my kids and I would never do anything that would harm them. I’ve already detailed why I decided to use the Ferber Method on Alex and I appreciate that some people would choose not to use it under any circumstances, but after being woken up every hour on the hour for two straight months, action was required. And the truth is we let Alex “cry it out” for all of two nights before she was sleeping like a champ. And the length of time she cried was shorter than the amount of time I’ve let her cry when I’ve had to take a dump and she didn’t want to cooperate. And since Ferber’s Method has been proven to have no ill effects on children other than improving their sleep habits, shunning someone for Ferberizing their child is the equivalent, to me, of a vegan refusing to be friends with someone who likes a 99-cent Big Mac on Thursdays. But I know I’m a good parent and one day my kids will know that too, so that’s all that really matters.
Please note that I'm still very good friends with this person's significant other and I hold nothing against them, so I would appreciate no bashing of his girlfriend in the comments section.
Facebook makes the world smaller and stranger. I don't know you personally, but from this here blog you seem like a pretty good parent. Don't let Facebook drama get you down.
ReplyDeleteSorry, but whoever "Unfriended" you either has no children or is a very immature. Or both.
ReplyDeleteIf you were beating your child into sleep submission -- that's one thing. But, the simple fact is the "let them cry it out" method not only works, it's been proven to teach children independence and self reliance at very early ages. And, if done correctly, it also strengthens the bonds between parent and child as it shows the child that, even though you are not in the room with them, you are not going anywhere and they are not alone and it creates a confident bond.
But, I doubt this person bothered to do much research on that before making their irrational decision.
Every parent has a right to choose how they rear their child. You picked your pediatrician for a reason and chose to do as suggested by him/her. (and it worked, imagine that !) This person needs to be able to agree to disagree not "unfriend" you because of a legitimate parental descision. Good for you and your wife Rick. The most important thing is that everyone is now sleeping through the night which makes you ALL happier.
ReplyDeleteYou are a great father. The whole thing is disgusting and ignorant and she better hope she never runs across me in a back alley.
ReplyDeleteI agree with eerything you said, my friend (facebook and otherwise) except the Ferber has been proven to have no ill effects on children. I would revise that to read "some" children. With my own kids- adopted from an environment where they were almost always locked in a room at night and left alone - ferberizing them in our home would have been very traumatic. The most imprtant thing to them today 4 yrs later is knowing where I am at night and falling asleep with a parent in sight. Whatever it takes. So while I don't agree with ferber for my own family, I do understand how it can be valuable for others. It really depends on how safe the kid feels and the motivation for waking and crying.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the kind words everyone. I just want to note that the person this rant was about is in fact a mother and I'm sure a good one at that. My issue is merely about being judged for using a different rearing technique. Especially one that is socially acceptable.
ReplyDeleteAnd Dana, you are correct, obviously there are some situations where using the Ferber Method doesn't make sense and could in fact be detrimental to a child's well-being. I chose to use it as a last resort, but my child was a good candidate and I have no regrets about doing it.
Been a while since I had little ones, but I do recall a number of times when I was out in public with my kid(s) and we were not in the company of my wife, a female observer assumed that I, a father in care of a small child, was incompetent and a danger to the child. They would attempt to correct or instruct me and pointedly ask "where is her mother?" and suchlike.
ReplyDeleteThese were usually older women, but do you suppose this could be a similar mind-set at work?
It honestly never fails to amaze me how up in arms people get about the Ferber Method. Yes, on paper it does appear somewhat cruel, but it's IMPORTANT to teach kids how to put themselves to sleep, not just for the fostering of their own independence, but for the preservation of their parents sanity. When I was younger I HATED seeing little kids with those leashes on them. You put a leash on a dog, not a child. It was only after I gave birth to my own little "bolter" that I realized that maybe I was a little harsh in my judgement of leash wielding parents, and I understood the necessity of such a contraption. I guess my point is that what works for one parent may be objectionable to another, but we should be supporting one another and not judging (unless of course you're beating your child to sleep, in which case you should be de-friended)
ReplyDeleteShe has issues! If she doesn't agree w/ your methods, she could @ least "hide" you on FB. Now she's "defriended" you, knowing that you'll know. I agree with the last posted response-leash or no leash, cry it out or rocking to sleep...to each his/her own, all kids are different.
ReplyDeleteInteresting indeed.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDelete"defriended" is this a new method of adult abuse? And is that morally wrong? Can I have a cookie now?
ReplyDeleteFor what its worth, Rick, I disagreed with most of that posting. I co-sleep, am totally against ferberizing, I nursed for 3 years, and gasp, have only selectively vaccinated by son. I didn't defriend you. Just sayin. signed, your FB Friend, still. I will let you try and guess my identity but will be anon for now.
ReplyDelete...because if it's "socially acceptable" it must be OK...right? Right?
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, Anonymous, I respect your choices regarding co-sleeping, nursing and vaccines. I may not be a fan of some of them, but I respect your decision to raise your son the way you see fit.
ReplyDeleteAs for the more recent "Anonymous," no, just because the Ferber Method may be socially acceptable doesn't necessarily mean it's right for everyone. But for me it was right. But my point in saying it was socially acceptable was merely to illustrate that I wasn't doing something barbaric.
Perhaps "doctor recommended" would work better than "socially acceptable." Your unfriend is part of society, and Ferberizing is clearly not acceptable to her. Still a crappy way to end a friendship.
ReplyDeleteI do find that most people who hate Dr. Ferber's methods have not read the book nor done the very basic research to find out what it's really all about. Enter visions of babies crying for 36 out of 24 hours, puking in bed on a regular basis, etc.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if the AAP recommended practice known as "tummy time" would be considered wrong/abusive if it were re-labeled something like "lay it out", with images of leaving babies laying around on the floor until they started crawling. The concepts have many parallels; give a child opportunities to learn a little earlier some skills which will probably eventually come naturally anyway.
I love my son; what I've learned from reading Dr. Ferber's book has certainly improved his life in the 5 days I've been using it, not to mention helping me and my wife be more patient, energetic, and engaged parents!
It isn't for everyone, but it's helpful. We don't throw out penicilin because some people are allergic to it, now do we?
I would unfriend you also. Their is so much research showing the negative effects of the Ferber method. I personally find it disturbing that parents can treat their child without pure love. I'm sorry you lost a friend, but I'm more sorry for your baby.
ReplyDeleteThe baby turned out all right. She's 3 now and she's one of the happiest kids I know. As the post points out we didn't let her cry for more than ten minutes without attending to her. Ferber isn't about letting your kid cry through the night. On the contrary, you check on them every few minutes. But in the process you teach them how to self sooth. And there's actually no concrete research that Ferbering a child can harm them. And for every article that "claims" it does, there's two more that "claims" it doesn't. It was a choice I made and I stand by it. I'm not going to judge someone for their parenting techniques. I won't unfriend them if they're still breastfeeding their child when their old enough to grab a carton of milk out of the fridge themselves. Well, maybe I'll privately judge them. :) But I do get upset when someone thinks that my love for my children isn't pure. And you've made me equally upset by saying for feel sorry for my child because that implies that you are judging me as a parent and I think if you read this whole blog, you'll see that I'm a pretty good dad. Sure I've got flaws, sure I mess up, but everything I do for my children is out of love.
ReplyDelete