DERMATOLOGY BLUES

I should’ve known when I got a space right out front that I was doomed…

As a child I don’t recall my mother ever having to go to the doctor. That’s probably because I never went with her. Well, living 3000 miles away from family and having no one to watch my kids when I’m in a pinch, I was forced to take Alex to the doctor with me today. Jen was a little uncomfortable with me unnecessarily exposing the baby to germs, but it wasn’t like I was taking the baby to an emergency triage unit for Swine Flu victims, I was taking her with me to the dermatologist to look at a sunspot on my scalp. A Beverly Hills dermatologist no less, where 90% of the clientele is there just to inject botulism into their heads. Unfortunately when I called my old dermatologist she had closed up shop so I just Googled “Dermatologist, Los Angeles” and picked one at random. Why should I care who I see, they’re only looking at my head, not performing a vasectomy. But I knew I had found the perfect doctor when all his online reviews said, “He’s fast. I was in and out in 20 minutes.” With a baby in tow, speed made this guy a Nobel Medicine prize winner to me.

So as I was saying, I found a sweet meter spot, right in front of the building. I was five minutes early, the baby had just fallen asleep and I actually had an ample amount of quarters in my ashtray for a change. Things couldn’t have gone smoother…until I got out of the car.

First, I couldn’t find the damn entrance to the building. Every suite had its own street level door and I needed to get to the second floor. I eventually found the secret entrance around back, but now Alex was awake from my vocalized “irritation” and we were now five minutes late. Once inside I did the insurance card dance with the receptionist and took a seat in the waiting room. Alex instantly wanted out of the stroller. I thought that if this guy was half as fast as his online review I didn’t want to take Alex out of the stroller because once she’s out, she ain’t going back in. So I played peak-a-boo and “this little piggy” in front of a packed waiting room audience. After fifteen minutes Alex was ready to go wee wee wee all the way home, but fortunately the nurse came to escort me to the examination room. The change of scenery kept Alex entertained for a few minutes, but then she wanted out again so I started doing all my tricks to entertain her. I gave her my watch to play with and then my hat. Eventually she was making random calls to people in Singapore on my cell phone. I was trying to hold off using my secret weapon: a simple bottle of Arrowhead water. I needed this “grand” distraction to keep Alex busy during my examination.

After 20 minutes I was starting to sweat, not because I was running out of things to keep Alex busy, but because there was no A/C in the exam room and it was an 85 degree day (some luxury Beverly Hills office.) After another 10 minutes I did run out of things for Alex to play with and I had no choice but to whip out the miracle water bottle. Alex was immediately in heaven, gnawing on that puppy, but when I looked at my watch I realized my meter was about to expire. I was about to take Alex on a mad dash outside, but when I opened the door the doctor was just coming in. He apologized for the delay, but I was like, “Let’s just get on with it, Doc.” So he checked my sunspot, whipped out the liquid nitrogen and burned that sucker right off. He then told me to hang tight while he gets me an “informational brochure” on liquid nitrogen and I said, “I’ll Google it,” and rushed out of the building only to find a meter maid writing me up a ticket and Alex once again sound asleep in her stroller. It was time for me to go home and give "Speedy" and his practice my own online review.