A DAY IN THE LIFE

SUNDAY

5:30 AM – My alarm clock goes off. And by alarm clock I mean the Sunday paper smashes into the front door, stirring Alex awake which then signals the cat to start meowing for her breakfast. Alex has been asleep for ten hours so I can’t really force her to cry herself back to sleep. We’re also trying to wean her off the morning boob, but 5:30 is too damn early so I say eff it and just scoop her up and hitch her right to Jen’s breast. Hoping to try and get a few more zzzz’s myself I quickly feed Cupcake before her meowing wakes up Arden and before I fully wake up. But on the creep back to the bedroom I realize I missed my window. I’m awake. So I crack open a Coke Zero, throw a bagel in the toaster, fill a sippy cup with water and another with Cheerios. I then unlatch Alex from Jen and we head downstairs to my office so everyone else can keep sleeping.

5:45 AM – Alex is watching the Wonder Pets on Noggin and picking up Cheerios off the floor using her newfound pincer skills while I update my Facebook status which reads, “5:30 AM *shakes head*”

6:45 AM – Arden slowly descends my office stairs. Even though she’s rubbing her heels on every step along the way because she likes the feel and the noise, she still thinks she’s sneaking up on me. I ask why she’s up so early and she says, “Because I dreamt about cookies and unicorns and now I’m hungry.” Hopefully for cookies and not unicorn milk. So I pack up the baby, the Coke Zero and we all head upstairs to the kitchen.

7:00 AM – I set up Arden in the family room with a mini-box of Apple Jacks and some chocolate milk. We argue (quietly so we don’t wake up mommy) about what show she’s going to watch. She wants Spongebob, but it’s one of the rare half hours of the day it’s not actually on. She gives me some lip and says, “There’s always episodes On Demand.” Alex starts squirming and needs to eat so I just put on Handy Manny. Arden pouts, but I know she likes it because she asks me to find her plastic tool kit in the toy box.

7:15 AM – I feed Alex who’s not really into eating these days so it ends up being yet another exercise in how to waste a jar of Apple Chicken Delight.

7:45 AM – I gotta go to the bathroom. I mean really go. Arden refuses to let me use her bathroom (“No boys allowed”) and instead of having her yell at me and wake up Jen I sneak into my bathroom with Alex in the bouncer, hoping Alex can keep quiet, but Arden beats me to it and whispers in a voice that’s more of a loud rasp, “Can I wake up Mommy now?” I look at my watch and see that I’ve been up for over two hours watching the kids and say, “Go for it.”

8:00 AM – Jen’s going to a bridal shower at noon and volunteered to make a quiche and a blueberry buckle cake so I have to watch the girls while she cooks. Jen offers to have Alex hang out with her in the bouncer while she cooks. Meanwhile Arden and I play school. She’s the teacher and her armada of stuff animal and myself are the students. She takes me through her entire day at preschool. My favorite part is “naptime.”

9:00 AM – Alex isn’t digging the baking, probably because she’s already been up for three-and-a-half hours so she joins our game of school for a bit, but she’s unable to abide by the “teacher’s” rules, gets fussy and I heat up a bottle and put her down for a nap.

9:45 AM – Guess who decided they didn’t need a long nap?

10:00 AM – Jen has to shower so I play with the girls and try and sneak in a few minutes here and there of Paul Blart: Mall Cop which I had pay-per-viewed the night before and fell asleep twenty minutes in. (Don’t judge: we had a free coupon from DirecTV. It was that or Tom Cruise wearing an eye patch and attempting a German accent.) And even though the movie sucked I still felt obligated to finish it before the twenty-four hour viewing window closed.

11:15 AM – Jen kisses us goodbye and I attempt to hop in the shower - I set up Arden with some Phineas and Ferb and I put Alex in the bouncer in the bathroom, but she starts screaming like I’ve never heard before. It’s unbearable. But I’ve gotta get clean because we’re due at a 4-year-old’s Transformers birthday party at 12:30 PM, so I jump in for one of my legendary 30 second showers only to have it cut short by 29 seconds when Arden starts screaming from outside the bathroom. With the water running I can’t tell if she’s hurt so I whip open the door to find her there with a scowl and a spoon saying, “Gimme some peanut butter on this spoon.” I slam the door shut, try and sooth the baby for a second and then finish my shower. All damn 29 more seconds of it.

11:30 AM – I get Arden dressed, change a diaper and pack the diaper bag.

12:00 PM – We hop in the family SUV and head off to the party. Arden wants to listen to her CD, but I’m too frazzled to listen to Eric Stoltz sing “Snuggle Puppy” so I tell her we can only go to the party if we listen to my music. For some reason she actually buys it for a change. With a 40-minute drive I slap in my Bluetooth and call my folks to find out what’s been going on in suburbs of Boston. My father golfed well for a change.

12:45 PM – We arrive at The Jump Around, an indoor play gym comprised completely of bouncy houses. Arden’s in heaven, I have to pee. Fortunately one my best buddies Craig is there too so I do get to pee as well as engage in some adult conversation between the wriggling and squirming.

1:30 PM – Pizza and cake time. All the kids file into the birthday room where I’ve been feeding Alex infant Cheetos. Except there’s no Arden. I task Craig with entertaining the baby and find Arden in a corner pouting. She doesn’t want to eat, she just wants to bounce. I tell her she’s eating pizza or we’re gonna bounce, right on out of there. She marches into the party room. With Craig still watching the baby I take advantage of the moment, hop into a bouncy house shaped like a giant boxing ring, go a few rounds and then return to Alex.

2:30 PM – Party’s over and they want to do a group photo. Arden is sick of the paparazzi these days and refuses. I tell her no goodie bag if she doesn’t get in the picture. For some reason the threats continue to work today and Arden runs into the shot where she wraps her arms around the birthday boy’s mother who she doesn't even know and upstages the entire picture, complete with blocking the birthday boy from the lens. We head out to the car.

2:45 PM – I call Jen from the car and she doesn’t answer which means she’s still at the bridal shower. I notice in the review mirror that Alex has fallen asleep. She needs sleep bad so I bribe Arden and say that if she’s a quiet girl for the remainder of the car ride I won’t make her take a nap when she gets home. It’s a fake bribe because after the cake and three juice boxes I’ll be lucky if I can get her down at bedtime. But I at least sweeten the deal for myself and make her agree to let Daddy chill while she doesn’t nap. I'm aware this is wishful thinking.

3:00 PM – Arden only lasts fifteen minutes before she starts doing her (actually impressive, but loud) Spongebob impressions from the back seat and wakes up the baby. Meanwhile Jen calls, she’s on her way home from the shower. Apparently her quiche was a huge success, so huge she didn’t even get a slice. Her blueberry buckle cake, not so much. That one she tasted and now she knows why.

3:20 PM – We arrive home. Alex has just fallen asleep again. I re-up my deal with Arden and say she doesn’t have to nap if she’s quiet and lets the baby sleep. I bring the baby inside and she instantly wakes up. I realize she’s way overdue for a bottle so I start heating one up. Even though Arden won’t be napping I still secretly hope Alex will go into a milk coma from the bottle so I can at least veg out on the couch and finish Mall Cop. No such luck. The bottle renews Alex’s energy and I know we’re about to enter the No Nap Zone.

4:00 PM – Jen walks in the door. I hand her the kids and tell her I’m going down to my office for some “me time.” Normally I would say I was going downstairs to write, but she knows I just finished my latest script on Wednesday and I’m taking a break before I jump into the rewrite.

4:10 PM - I barely get a Facebook update in when Arden starts screaming from the bathroom upstairs. She needs someone to wipe her ass. I assume Jen is going to do it, but Alex is tapping the Jen keg again so I run upstairs and confront Arden. I tell her she’s 4 now which means she’s old enough to wipe her own butt. She says, “I never wipe my own butt, but I’m gonna kick your butt if you don’t wipe mine.” I can’t help but laugh, but I do tell her not to say things like that. Somehow things escalate to a meltdown and I give her a time out. She screams and starts throwing Legos across the room so I take away her TV privileges for the rest of the day. This kills me because that means I’ll have to play with her instead and it’s been a long day of playing already. But she screams louder so I take away dessert too. And then she screams even louder. I don’t want to take away TV for the week for my own sake so I threaten to take away her latest Happy Meal prize and she shuts up. I only wish I thought of that one before I took away the TV.

4:30 PM – Unfortunately for me it’s Sunday which means it’s Jen’s day to cook something elaborate because she’s home and she has the time. So I’m once again in charge of watching both girls while she cooks.

6:00 PM – We sit down for dinner. From scratch French onion soup and broccoli slaw with cranberries and toasted almonds in it. Both are amazing, though after watching enough Food Network we discuss how they really don’t compliment each other.

6:30 PM – Normally if Jen cooks dinner I do the dishes but we’re trying to establish a routine with Alex as part of her sleep training so Jen does the dishes while I give the kids their baths.

7:30 PM – I give Alex a bottle and put her to bed while Jen puts Arden to bed.

8:00 PM – The kids are finally asleep and I’m excited to watch some TV with Jen. I’ve been looking forward to this specific night of television all week long - Big Brother, True Blood, Next Food Network Star, Hung and the season premiere of Entourage. It doesn’t get much better for a TV junkie like me.

8:05 PM – I fall asleep watching last week’s recap of Big Brother. Mall Cop expires.