BABY TALK

According to dictionary.com “Baby Talk” is defined as either “the speech of children learning to talk” or “a style of speech used by adults in addressing children, pets, or sweethearts.” Don’t get me started on sweetheart baby talk, but from my experience there’s a third kind of baby talk. It’s when you talk to someone through your baby.

It’s the ultimate passive-aggressive form of communication. Jen and I do it to each other all the time. For example, yesterday was a non-nanny day, so I met Jen for lunch at the Cheesecake Factory for some salad and French fries and while Alex was gnawing on a breadstick Jen said, “Hey Alex, where’s your cup?” Of course Alex being 11 months old and not knowing a lick of English or even where the cup was, couldn’t really answer that one. But what Jen really meant was, “Hey Daddy, get Alex’s cup out of the diaper bag already.” Though usually Jen is more aggressive than passive with her baby talk when she says things to me like, “Hey Alex, tell Daddy to get off his goddamned iPod and take out the trash.” But it’s a two-way street. I do it to Jen all the time as well. Jen will be on the floor playing with Alex and I’ll notice her chewing on something of the questionable “not suitable for children under 3” size and I’ll say, “Alex, don’t eat Arden’s barrette,” which translates to, “Hey Jen, take that thing out of her mouth, would ya?”

Now I’m not one to shy away from a good confrontation, but sometimes you don’t want to offend certain people, like for example the person who’s caring for your child, so I’ve found that purposefully using this type of baby talk when addressing a babysitter or nanny can be quite useful. If I see the baby crawling under the sharp-cornered dining room table, I don’t want to be that jerk who states the obvious and says, “You know what, probably not a good idea if you let her crawl under there.” But if I phrase it like, “Alex, you know you’re not supposed to crawl under the table with all those sharp edges. Yes, you do, yes you do,” then I’m not such a douche bag. Or at least I’ve convinced myself that I’m less of a douche bag. But I started using this “technique” because one of Arden’s early nannies was great, but needed to be told the obvious and I didn’t want it to sound quite so…obvious. Basically if I didn’t say to her, “Arden, you know you’re not supposed to play with the TV. It cost over $2000 and the warranty is up,” then it would’ve become the world’s most expensive finger-painting canvas.