QUOTABLE ARDEN

In Arden’s never-ending quest to become an actual Disney Princess we introduced her to the wonders of movie soundtracks. Now you’re probably thinking, “big mistake, now you’re gonna be forced to listen to Peabo Bryson sing, “A Whole New World” until you know every word and find yourself singing it in the shower.” Actually there was a master plan at work. We also hooked Arden up with Jen’s old iPod mini and speakers so that she could dance around her room to "Bippity Boppity Boo" and leave us alone for a few precious minutes here and there. My brilliant plan actually worked…for a few days.

Eventually Arden realized that she could plug her iPod into the car stereo so we could listen to the Cinderella III: A Twist in Time soundtrack “as a family.” But this isn’t where the pain ended. A few days later we were driving in the car and I was on a business call (using my Bluetooth headset, of course) and Arden pipes up from the back seat, “Put on Beauty and the Beast.” I shushed, “In a minute.” Not two seconds later Arden leans forward and says in her most deadpan voice, “I’m not hearing my music, Daddy. Can you hear my music, Daddy?” Four-years-old and already a smart-ass.

While we’re on a “technology” theme Arden had another classic moment during dinner the other night. Somewhere between her first bite and her usual mid-meal trip to the bathroom, Arden said, “You know what? I wish I had a TV in my room.” Jen said, “I bet you do.” Then Arden said, “Then if I wake up in the middle of the night I could just watch TV and not disturb you.” (Yup, she said, “disturb.”) I turned to Jen and said, “Not a bad sales pitch.” And then turned back to Arden and said, “But you ain’t getting one.”

THE WEEP FACTOR

I’ve never been much of a crier. Even as a kid I wasn’t the type who would cry when I skinned my knee or got a spanking. As an adult I could probably count the number of times I really cried on one hand, two of which revolved around the unexpected deaths of friends and the other was when I had to put my cat Bob to sleep. But all that changed when I had kids…though technically putting Bob down happened about a month after Arden was born, but at that point Arden was still just this mysterious blob to me.

My lack of crying probably stemmed from my father who I only saw cry twice while growing up, the first was on the anniversary of his brother’s death and the other time was when I left for college. Though now that he’s counting the days until his senior citizen discounts kick in, I catch him welling up when a Pillsbury crescent roll commercial comes on. But now that I’m a parent, I understand why he cried when I left for school and why he cries during a “very special” Oprah promo.

Maybe I’m more sensitive than most guys because I’m my kids’ primary care provider and I spend so much more time with them, but I’m constantly tearing up when I watch anything sentimental on TV or at the movies that involves kids. When Sandra Bullock declares that Big Mike, in The Blind Side, is her son, I found myself getting a little weepy. Hell, I had tears streaming down my face watching the end of Superman Returns when Supe sneaks into his kid’s bedroom and repeats what his father said to him years before, “You will see my life through your eyes, as your life will be seen through mine. The son becomes the father. And the father, the son.”

But I also get “emotional” when my kids are hurting or when I’m proud of them. I experienced both of these types of moments with Arden over the past 24-hours. Arden’s been having a rough couple of weeks since she’s returned to school after Winter Break. She’s been acting out at school and at home. Having lots of meltdowns. And I understand exactly why. She just spent two straight weeks with her Daddy, doing some kind of fun activity every day and now she’s forced to go back to her mundane school routine.

One of her meltdowns happened in the bath last night. Her tantrum was scaring the baby so I had to yank Arden out of the tub, kicking and screaming. She was so hysterical I didn’t know what to do so I just wrapped a towel around her and hugged her. I thought she’d resist. I thought she’d keep fighting, but she just calmed down and hugged me back. She just missed her Daddy. This is also why she’s been so clingy at school since Winter Break ended. She doesn’t want me to leave when I bring her to school in the morning. Every day my departure has become a bigger and bigger production. She wants me to stay longer. She wants more kisses and more hugs and she says she wants to go home with me. But again, I understand, but that don’t mean I’m gonna put up with it. Yesterday I had an appointment and had to cut our little ritual short and she threw the mother of all fits – kicking and screaming as the teachers dragged her away from me. Now you’re probably thinking this is where I got all emotional. Wrong. This is where I said, “Where the hell’s the Arden I know?”  But what did touch me was dropping her off at school today.

Last night we discussed her behavior and I told her that I knew she was acting out because she missed me and made her promise to be good when I dropped her off at school the next morning. Well she kept her word. We got to school, she said, “Good morning” to her teachers, she gave me as kiss and said, “Goodbye.” That was it. No fits, no fanfare. She kept her word. And it made me proud. And it made me well-up a bit on the car ride home.

WINTER BREAK: WEEK TWO

Monday: Kidspace Museum

Cost: $20 for the Museum; $8 for a burrito.
Description: “Where learning and play are one.” Kidspace is another hands-on learning center (built by a friend of mine) located literally next to the Rose Bowl and with it being the holiday season they actually made snow for the kids to play in and with the annual Rose Parade only days away the tourists and vendors were already amassing.
Highlights: Will Ferrell was there; one of the Rose Parade vendors was the best Mexican restaurant in L.A. and they were already serving up hot burritos. I had two; I was lucky enough to get the very last parking space, which is usually a cruel karmic trick and this was no exception…
Lowlights: No strollers allowed, which meant I got to hold Alex the entire time we were there and unlike our experience at the California Science Center this place was packed so tight I couldn’t even put Alex down or she would get trampled. The second lowlight revolved around the snow. When Arden’s hands got cold she asked me to buy her some gloves. I said they didn’t sell gloves at the museum and she said, “I saw some other kids with gloves with the same “K” symbol as the stamp on our hands.” Damn she was good, but I still wasn’t budging for five minutes of winter wonderland fun. And that’s when she had a literal meltdown in the snow. Like our experience at Travel Town, I was holding the baby so I couldn’t drag Arden out of there, which meant the entire museum got to witness Arden self-destruct. I think I even caught Will Ferrell wincing as he walked by.

Tuesday: Barnes & Noble, Skirball Cultural Center and lunch with Jen in between.

Cost: $15 (not including lunch)
Description: Bookstores are an old favorite of mine. They’re like a toy store and a library all in one and you don’t have to clean up after yourself when you’re done, plus Barnes & Noble serves Starbucks. The Skirball Cultural Center is a Jewish History Museum with a brand new Noah’s Ark exhibit where kids of all ages and religions can learn from and enjoy.
Highlights: While standing in line I heard the Noah’s Ark exhibit was sold out, but I stayed in line and managed to convince the woman behind the counter to let us in by claiming we drove all the way up from San Diego. Something felt extra wrong (or maybe it was just the irony) about lying to get into a Biblical event, which is probably why I was forced to do my usual outing penance.
Lowlight: Part of our admission included an “open art class” where the kids get to make "Ark" animals out of recycled products. Once again no strollers were allowed, but there were a million volunteers working in the craft room so I asked an old bitty if “anyone can help my daughter make a cardboard mouse.” The woman replied, “Yes, you.” I'm not sure if I actually said the word, "bitch" out loud or not. Anyway, as usual we were on our own and with no place to put Alex I had to single-handedly make a mouse out of buttons, fabric, yarn and a toilet paper tube. I literally put my blood, sweat and tears into that little rodent. The blood came when I accidentally snipped my fingers with the scissors.


Wednesday: Tree House Social Club Under the Sea

Cost: $18
Description: It was pouring rain that day so I decided to take the kids to the Tree House Social Club, the penultimate indoor play gym located in the heart of Beverly Hills. At its center is a massive indoor tree house surrounded by a toddler area, an arts and crafts room, a Wii station, a terrific café and a mini-spa where moms can get their nails done and the dads can get a quick massage, all while watching your kids play. I was actually stoked to have a Chicken Panini and a soy latte while the kids did…whatever. When I spied a prime parking space right out front I should’ve known it wasn’t meant to be after our Kidspace experience. Standing in a torrential downpour with the girls we stared at a “Closed for the Holidays” sign, something they had neglected to post on their website or their answering machine. I seethed until I remembered a friend had recommended another indoor play gym nearby called Under the Sea, which turned out to be the antithesis of the Tree House Social Club.
Highlights: Leaving.
Lowlights: Mass hysteria. Cat and dogs living together. It was “Lord of the Flies.” With the rain and the dirt from outside mixing with a million snot-nosed kids on vacation the place was an absolute mad house so it wasn’t a surprise that Arden was fine with leaving after only an hour. Though it probably didn’t hurt that I bribed her with ice cream which she promptly got after I picked up a chicken panini at Jack in the Box.

Thursday: L.A. Zoo

Cost: $6 (for a bag of kettle corn and some fries – I’m a member so we got in free.)
Description: It’s a place where you find a lot of wild animals.
Highlights: On my last day of winter break I finally found a wingman, someone to help me pass the time. My friend Jeff and his two-year-old daughter Finley joined us at the zoo. It was probably the most laid back and relaxing time I had over the two week break. Alex was happy to be kept in constant motion as I strolled her past all the cages. Arden was excited to have someone who isn't her sister to play with for a change. And I got have an actual adult conversation (a.k.a. use cuss words). Zoo day was a good day. But it was also a bittersweet day because...
Lowlights: It was my last day with just me and the girls.


Friday: New Year’s Day
Description: A perfect day just chilling at home with the family.
Cost: Priceless.


Saturday: Ralphs Grocery Store

Description: Jen was trying to flee from a crazy person at the supermarket and quickly tossed Arden into the shopping cart, throwing out her back in the process. Which meant I got to take care of both girls and Jen for the rest of the weekend.

WINTER BREAK: HIGHLIGHTS…AND LOWLIGHTS (PART I)

Believe it or not, I did it. I successfully planned and executed some kind of “big” activity with the girls every weekday during winter break. And by “big” I don’t necessarily mean some extravagant Disneyland excursion or a trip to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. I mean something that would just take up a big chunk of the day and keep me from going insane. Unfortunately, the other half of my plan, to have people join us, didn’t quite work out as well.

After the unexpected turn out for my "Bowling Event" I couldn't find a single person to hang out with me and the girls. I was so desperate to have someone help me pass the time that I even asked my friends who didn't have kids, “I bet it’s been a long time since you’ve been to Chuck E. Cheese…They have the Star Wars Video Game now…It’s only a quarter…I’ll pay for your games…and your meal…Fine, go see Avatar instead.” As a result I spent the next two weeks with just the girls. Was it hell? At times. Was it fun? At times. Below is a list of highlights and lowlights from my adventures in winter break land.

WEEK ONE:

Monday: Pinz Bowling Center

Cost: $15 or $24 (depending on my math skills)
Description: “When you have time to spare.”
Highlights/Lowlights: See the previous blog entry for the skinny on this one.


Tuesday: Travel Town at Griffith Park

Cost: $11
Description: “Preserving and celebrating the rich railroad heritage of Los Angeles.” Who knew? The only things I saw that you can do there is take the world's lamest five-minute train ride (that kids miraculously seem to love) and trot on some ponies. We did both.
Highlight: Watching the horse “trainer” try and get Arden’s horse to slow down while she was saying, “Giddy up” and making it go faster.
Lowlight: When Arden refused to get off the train after I told her we couldn’t ride it a second time, which turned into a full-blown meltdown. And because I was carrying Alex there was no way I could pick up Arden too and carry her back to the car kicking and screaming so I had to try and talk her down and get her off the tracks while the next group of passengers watched and waited for my “reasoning” skills to kick in.


Wednesday: Chuck E Cheese

Cost: $16 ($5 in tokens and the rest for some cardboard pizza.)
Description: “Where a kid can be a kid.” Or where parents and nannies let their kids run wild thinking that just because there's an employee stamping hands at the door that means their kid is being supervised. They are not.
Highlight: When I told Arden it was time to go she actually said, “Okay.”
Lowlight: Unlike her fearless sister, I discovered Alex doesn’t like rides and I also discovered that Arden is no longer fearless when it comes to heights, which I learned when she got to the top of the indoor jungle gym and I had to help her down while holding the baby under my arm like a football.

Thursday: California Science Center

Cost: $5 Donation and a $3 Motion Odyssey Ride
Description: “The west coast’s largest hands-on science center.” I have to admit it’s a pretty awesome place.
Highlight: With it being New Year’s Eve Day the place was an absolute ghost town. We had the whole museum to ourselves and we had the entire staff in the discovery room catering to our every whim - Arden had her own personal craft teacher while I got to stretch out in a padded toddler area and see Alex stand on her own for the first time.
Lowlight: We walked over to the Air & Space Museum first only discover the elevator inside was broken and all the cool exhibits were upstairs. Up a lot of stairs. Steep stairs. And up a lot of steep stairs we went, with the baby in my arms where she stayed for the duration which was about 45 minutes or when my arms were officially declared dead.


Friday: Christmas Day
Cost: Too much and worth every penny.


Up Next: Week Two!

WINTER BREAK: DAY ONE

I had been dreading this day for weeks. Arden would be off from school for two full weeks and the new part-time nanny was heading off to Ohio to visit her family for the entire time. It’s not like I haven’t watched both girls before. Hell, I do it all the time, but with Arden in school five days a week since July and with someone watching Alex two days a week, I had kinda gotten spoiled.

I had made the conscious decision that I was going to do some “big” activity with the girls every day. I didn’t care if it was something I hated doing like going to the park or the beach. I just knew I would need to get us all out of the house, in order to keep my sanity and to keep the girls from going all “Lord of the Flies” in our living room.

I knew it would be extremely difficult to wrangle both girls during some of these excursions, so I decided the least painful way of attacking my temporary return to full-time stay-at-home dadhood was to not do it alone. If I had other people with me it would help pass the time and allow me to hand off Alex for a minute or two so I could play with Arden a little and so I could go to the bathroom like a normal human being. My ingenious plan meant I had to be the alpha parent and actually organize these activities, something I neither like doing nor am I very good at. But I was determined to make this work so I emailed all the parents in Arden’s preschool class and told them about my plan. Then I waited for the replies to come rolling in.

Crickets. The only responses I got for Day One’s activity, “Bowling with Four Year Olds,” was from my friend Sam who said she would be bringing her two boys. The other "yes" reply came from the only parent in the school I don’t like. Fortunately he bailed the morning of. Regardless of the lack of replies I still had one wingman, or rather wingwoman, with me for our bowling adventure.

I was excited. I had taken Arden bowling once before at a place appropriately named Pinz in Studio City. The place puts rails in the gutters so the little kids would always score and so the grown-ups could play like rock stars. And with Sam there, I just might get the chance to strut my stuff. Of course the day didn’t turn out exactly as I had planned.

My day technically started at 2:46 AM when Arden woke up from a “bad dream” about “shopping at Target at night” and restarted at 5:43 AM when Alex decided the day had officially begun. Normally if Alex gets up early we sneak down to my office with some Cheerios and she watches some Yo Gabba Gabba while I try and do absolutely nothing until 7:00 AM rolls around. But of course Arden decided this would be the day she got up early. So we started Arden’s first day off from school at 6:00 AM with Arden not wanting anything I was serving for breakfast and Alex deciding she needed a nap at 7:03 AM. And when I say she “needed a nap” I mean that’s when she started getting cranky. And of course with Arden being home from school, there was no way in hell Alex was gonna take a nap.

The morning was long, but uneventful, though I did charge Arden with “watching” her little sister for the first time while I took one of my legendary 30-second showers. But I spent 29-seconds of my shower thinking of every possible permutation of what could go wrong in a 30-second time span which meant I needed another shower as soon as I got out of the shower.

So the bowling alley. All I can say is “chaos.” Much of it internal. We arrived at 11:00 AM to find another mom, who didn’t respond to my email, waiting for us with her two kids. Then Sam arrived with her two kids and as we were all trying on our bowling shoes another parent unexpectedly arrived with their two kids. To lessen the disorganization I decided to just pay for everyone and let them pay me back when we got to our lanes. I should’ve known better than to try and do division while wrangling a bunch of kids (I think I ended up paying for Arden twice.) Anyway, as we started bowling another kid showed up with his uncle, but the games were locked into the computer system so I offered to give up my spot for the little kid. That actually worked out well because Alex was getting fussy and wanted to be held…the whole two hours we were there.

None of the kids had bowled before so I had to show them what to do while holding Alex in one arm. And no one seemed to know who’s turn it was even though the computer screen kept track of it for everyone. Around noon everyone was getting hungry and it fell on Alex and me to order some pizzas. It only took me a sweaty 45 minutes to figure out how to order a pizza, but eventually we managed it. Of course we ordered too little so I went hungry.

Meanwhile, after three frames Arden and another little boy were done with bowling because they had discovered those stupid toy vending machines where you pay a quarter for a mini Tupperware container filled with a sticker or a chipped super ball. Now I’m pretty sure Arden’s slightly above average in intelligence, but the kid she was playing with was definitely not MENSA bound. I gave them both two quarters to put in the machine, but then the boy came back to me empty handed and said, “Coin, coin.” I said, “What happened to the ones I gave you?” Apparently it was a rhetorical question. Meanwhile Arden handed me her prizes which included a plastic ring and a tattoo that said, "I love girls." The boy saw the ring and finally decided to speak, “Is that a coin?” I said, “No, that’s a ring.” A few minutes later I pulled my keys out of my pocket and the boy ran over to me again and said, “Is that a coin?” I said, “No, these are keys…and I’m using them to get away from you.” Okay, I didn’t really say the second part, but I wanted to.

On the ride home Alex started to drift off to sleep. I’d be damned if I was gonna let her have a catnap on the way home that would replace the real deal in her crib so I was forced to lower the back window and let the cold air slap her in the face, but this kid was tired and no amount of wind was gonna keep her up. Of course when the wind ultimately stopped and we pulled into the garage she was wide awake and would be until she went to bed that night. Part of the reason was because Arden refused to have “quiet time” (instead of fighting with her over naps these days we now let her play quietly in her room by herself for an hour) so I can get some "me" time? Hells no. So I can clean up after her before Mommy gets home.

The plan was for Jen to make one of her favorite meals that night, but she got caught in a meeting that was destined to run late and suggested I make the Chicken & Dumplings. Now I cook all the time. And I’m not half bad. I mean I can follow a recipe. However I had never attempted this particular dish which was in a Betty Crocker cookbook that had a copyright date of 1950. I must’ve read that damn recipe 16 times trying to figure out what the hell it was saying. It didn’t help that Arden was having a meltdown over which Disney Princess movie to watch and Alex was screaming in my ear the whole time. I had to text Jen twice during her meeting to see if I was understanding the recipe right. Apparently I wasn’t and I screwed up the dish. Beyond repair. Right in front of Jen as she walked in the door, tired and pissed off from her meeting. That night she ate a Lean Cuisine and I had a bowl of Cheerios. I don’t think there was much talking during "dinner."

So it also happened to be one of Jen’s workout nights, which meant I put Arden to bed (which takes about forty-five minutes) and she puts Alex to bed (which takes about five minutes.) But with Alex being overtired from the day she refused to take the bottle from Jen. And since I have the magic touch I got to put both kids to bed that night…only to have them both wake up on Day Two of Winter Break with runny noses.

In the photo: an actual shot from our bowling madness

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

Arden's off from school for two-plus weeks and the nanny's on vacation so it's been a little tough to get to the computer as of late, as I'm sure you can imagine. But things should return to normal very soon. In the meantime...

QUOTABLE ARDEN

So we're driving in the car the other day and Arden asks me why she isn't able to put a ponytail in her hair herself. I said, "A. It's not easy and B. You don't have the skills yet." Arden replied with a miffed look, "What does A and B have to do with anything?"

Two nights ago Arden climbed into our bed in the middle of the night. When I asked her why in the morning she replied, "I had a bad dream." I asked what it was about and she said, "Going to Target at night." Gave me shivers too.

They're building some new condos near our house that we pass on the way to school every morning. Well the other day Arden noticed that they were cutting down this magnificent tree in front of it. She asked, "Why are they cutting down that tree?" I said, "I guess so they can look at the Hollywood Sign." Arden replied, "Why wouldn't they want to look at the beautiful tree?"

The other day I asked Arden what she's been doing in art class and she said, "Pointillism."